"I'm bi-curious!" -Every broad with hetvantages
**STOP** If you haven't already read Hetvantages: Part 1, do it! This will all make much more sense.
(All portions in parenthesis are my thoughts interjected as I listened to this story)
My sophomore year of high school was a weird time. To be quite honest, I was kind of hoeing around. I was kissing a lot of guys and I found myself kissing a girl too, only one, but I'll explain that in a little bit. As I look back and think about why I was doing all of this, I realize it was because I had my heart broken by this guy that I really liked (he was caught up with his ex-girlfriend). It was really some regular non-committal, high school, football jock bullsh*t. But still, at the time, it hurt deeply.
I was trying to get his attention and make him notice me, but that didn't work out exactly how I planned. On top of this, there was this girl that I was "talking" to named **Lisa. We didn't start off in the "talking" phase right away. We weren't even exactly friends to be quite honest. We had similar friend groups because of our involvement in our high school's music ensembles. Basically, we ran in the same circles (This is starting to sound like an Italian mob movie). Anyway, there was one day where we just kind of started talking. We realized that we both thought the other was v-cool (very cool, for all of you grandma's out there), and we exchanged kik's.
I was listening to this story like damn son, shit was going down in the DM's before that was even a real thing.
If you had a kik in high school, you was up to no good. That's it. End of story. Don't lie boo.
*Sidenote: I will be interjecting like this very often. Now, let's continue.
So after we exchanged kik's we started messaging. Then, after only a short span of messaging back and forth using kik, we started Facetiming. I'm not exactly sure if it was FaceTime or Oovoo (another no good site for bad teens). Still, I remember her having an iPod that she used for everything and I'd gotten my first iPhone by then, so I think it was FaceTime. Either way, we were talking at all hours of the day. I don't know how we became friends so quickly, and so closely, but we did and that was that. When Lisa called, I answered.
Y'all know I HAD to throw it back to Pretty Ricky to set the mood. Watch. This is a must. The mood must be set.
At this point we'd probably been talking for about 3 weeks consistently. We were hanging out after school, chatting in our music classes, and as always, talking on the phone or messaging through kik. At some point, I realized that points of our conversation were a little more than just friendly, but I felt like I was looking too deep into it. I didn't want to assume that Lisa had feelings for me simply because she was a lesbian (just in case y'all weren't sure). I didn't want to bias my opinions of her friendliness. It was only a few days after I had those thoughts, a few days before Valentine's Day, when she said she needed to talk to me about something serious.
She liked me.
This a big deal in high school (don't even act like you're too cool to remember high school)! First, someone liked me. Second, a girl liked me. Third, we were pretty known around school, so this was bound to be big news. However, I still wasn't just about to ignore the elephant in the room.
I wasn't gay.
I mean, I guess I'd never really thought about it until faced directly with this situation.
I decided to just be honest with her. I didn't want to break her heart and I certainly didn't want to lose our friendship. However, I wasn't about to pretend that I wanted something that I wasn't even sure about. So I just told her I wasn't gay and that I couldn't see it working out. I also told her that I was so concerned about our friendship, that I didn't want to let any potential arguments or misunderstandings ruin it.
Surprisingly, she handled it so well! We were still talking as usual. I think she was trying to give me time to think about it. We really did have a great relationship. I just didn't want to step into "unknown territory." I'll just save everyone some time... We started dating - I think it was actually on Valentine's Day (please refer back to the last gif). As I'd already thought, it was a huge shock to everyone in school. People were happy for us. They called us the cutest couple. We exchanged small gifts in school (y'all remember how big of a deal this was?!?!) on Valentine's Day. I made her a huge origami cat since that was her favorite animal - I don't think I've ever gotten so many paper cuts. It was ridiculously large since I made it out of poster board paper. I knew I liked her too. It worked so well. She was patient, but still pushed me to explore my sexuality. I soon realized that was exactly the problem.
I think at the time, it was hard to realize that. I was so caught up in her and the way she that was able to understand that my sexual pleasure was much more than sporadicly rubbing my clitoris. She was slow and took her time and yet still kept me had feeling like I was behind a few steps. She learned where all of my soft spots were. The one between my pointer finger and my middle finger was her favorite - mine too. Having sex with a woman was different. Even our kisses were different. They were so thoughtful. They were consuming. I got so caught up in our 6th period lunch break quickies in the girls bathroom and our full after-school sex sessions, that I wasn't thinking about anything else.
I was in this relationship with a person who deeply cared for me, as a means of exploring my sexuality.
There came a time when she asked me if I was a lesbian. I told her "no" without hesitation, because I knew that wasn't the case. I also told her that I wasn't "straight" either. I think I mostly told her that because I could see how hurt she was after I said I wasn't a lesbian. I told her that I was bisexual.
I wasn't bisexual. I was horny.
I was also telling people that I was "bi-curious" (whatever the hell that means) behind her back. I told people that for now, I'm just enjoying things as they come, but that it was probably a phase. I was enjoying so many of the advantages that come with being a heterosexual woman in a relationship with a gay woman. I got to be able to escape judgment by simply passing off my relationship with Lisa as a fling, an experiment, or a moment that would pass once I matured.
Things quickly went downhill as soon as they'd started. We dated for four months and broke up essentially because I didn't really care for her as she cared for me.
Granted, I was only 16 when all of this went down. I was young, stupid, and I barely knew anything about the ties between privilege and gender & sexuality studies. I was learning. What I realize now is that I utilized someone's real emotions for my own selfish gain. I was an asshole. I failed to realize that because of heterosexuality, I was given multiple passes to "explore," especially since I was a 16 year old girl. People expected me to "make mistakes." Lisa was a not a mistake, and nor is she a regret. I was talking to a friend the other day about Lisa and she said "I remember that this was one of your many phases." For a while too, after we broke up, I remember telling everyone that I was still a virgin. I was adamant that I'd chosen to give my virginity to my junior year boyfriend **Stanley. I'd made Lisa disappear. I'd discredited all of the feelings between us and the moment I did, she vanished. She wasn't even a memory. I'd made the decision to invalidate her sexual experiences as a lesbian as a means of validating my own sexual experiences as a heterosexual woman. I wasn't fair to Lisa...
I think that as heterosexual people, we often take the easy way out. We call feelings that we had for someone of the opposite gender a "phase" instead of validating them. We do everything in our power to duck and dodge the real criticisms that people of the LGBTQIA+ community face everyday. We utilize our hetvantages as many times as we can. We kiss other girls at parties and blame it on the alcohol (I SWEAR if y'all start singing "Blame It" we fighting). We have intimate moments with our friends and try to hide it as us being "close with our girls." We watch lesbian porn and never even think twice about why we do.
LET'S START BEING REAL.
Heterosexual people of the world, hetvantages exist. However, we have a duty to even the playing field and that starts with being honest about our bodies, our feelings, and our perceptions of other people.
It's uncomfortable, but so are most rewarding things.
*Disclaimer: God's good grace brought this blog to life.
** All names have been changed out of respect for the individuals involved.